The Part of Life No One Converses About
No one wants to hear about the downs, or if you’re actually okay; they’re just there for you when its convenient for them. No one wants to know that I haven’t gotten out of my bed in 8 days or that my room is filthy but I don’t have the motivation to clean it, and I hate it. I haven’t gone to school in 2 months. I feel like such a failure to not only my parents, but to everyone; including myself. I don’t want to feel like this, or live like this, or think like this; I never asked for this. Why me? What’d I do? Why do I deserve this? I ask myself those questions on repeat, almost like they’re locked in a jail cell up in my head. My mom tells me I spend too much time alone, but no one gets me or what I’m feeling. Even if they did, I don’t know how to be around people; because all I’ve ever truly felt was alone. I don’t even like being alone its just something I’m used to, but these days it seems like I don’t even really like or enjoy anything. What I don’t understand is why are all these “easy” things to do like showering, brushing your teeth, or making your bed so hard for me to do? It just feels like I’m alive, but not living. When I look in the mirror I don’t even recognize who I’m looking at, I just look like a stranger. I wake up in the morning and dread the thought of the sun touching my skin again, yet it still does every time. I just want to be in the dark, for eternity. A few days ago when I was on Instagram I saw this post that said “would 5 year old you be happy with where you are in life right now?” and instantly tears began to fall from my eyes. I don’t know where it all went wrong. One day I was a happy little kid and now I don’t even remember what my real smile looks like. For so long I’ve been waiting for someone to come along and make me better, just by existing; and just when I lost hope you came along. Yet, I can’t even focus on loving you and giving you the world because theres so much happening in mine. I repeat the words “I love you” and “I’m sorry” to you constantly, but I still feel like you don’t think I do. Its not that i don’t want to show you I love you because I do and I’m trying, I’m just emotionally unavailable and its been like that my whole life. Trust me, if I had you around since the beginning; I don’t think i’d even be stuck here. The sad truth to face though is that, I didn’t have you and I am here stuck in this horrible, dreadful, and negative place. Its funny how what we crave most is for someone or something to stay and never leave, yet we also crave happiness; the one thing thats most temporary. How do we expect to have it all? I know what they'll say because I’ve heard it all before “you’ll be fine” “its a bad day not a bad life” “going through these things will only make you stronger” what they don’t realize is, your mind becomes a war ground; whether those things are true or not. I’m still alive because I know I’m not okay, but I also know I’ll be there for myself till I am. I will be happy again. I will eventually be living and feel alive, and smile when the sun touches my skin.
-someone who sees things for what they are
